Dummy: about to be thrown out of the pram

We're out, to Portugal, on penalties, again.Words cannot describe the sheer feeling of dissapointment that took hold in my stomach as Ronaldo, of all people, put the winner in against us. I dont need to go on, anyone with a mere passing interest in national pride amd football knows what Im talking about. Its an all too familiar feeling, but before the British press taints everyones opinion of our teams efforts, or finds a villain as per usual, I have a few things to say.

The standard of refereeing and the behaviour of certain players have totally disgraced the competition and I firmly believe that were this not the case on such a massive scale, we may have got a different result tonight.

First, some specifics. Tonights game really encapsulated all the problems we have endured this year in Germany. First of all, when did it become canon that when someone falls over the whistle is blown for a foul? If that sounds like a weak argument, look over tonights game again if you can. I guarantee that three quarters of the fouls were given when someone either fell over due to their own stupidity, accidentally clipped legs with someone or simply dived. The first half was chock full of stoppages every minute or so because of this and its pathetic.

Football isnt a contact sport, but the players are men. If someone falls over, let him lay there and roll around. It gets to the point where players like Hargreaves and to a degree Mr JT are afraid to "go in hard" because they know that the merest contact will herald some cheating Portugese forward going down faster than a Skegness deckchair.

Referees really dont help this situation. Of all the games so far I have only seen the referee in the Germany vs Argentina game make a stand against pratting around when he gave Maxi Rodriguez a telling off for hitting the deck too keenly. Tonights game should have seen a similar hard line stance taken against the Portugese. But, obviously, it wasnt.

Now, onto Rooney. He didnt deserve a sending off. Yes, he stamped on a mans swingers, but it was in no way clear enough even on a reply to conclude he did it on purpose. At most, a yellow, and lets not forget he was being man handled by two men immediatley prior to the event - being obstructed no less - and the ref does nothing. He probably would have done nothing if Ronaldo hadnt have ran over and pleaded with him to take action. Yes, Rooney pushed him and thats not on, but a straight red? Come of it. Ronaldo should have been given a yellow on the spot for dissent.

Say what you like about American Football, but in our game, the ref is called sir and his decision is final. You argue a decision, crowd round him, shout abuse and the rest of your game will be on the bench. This is how it should be.

Now look at the entire competiion. Australia had their game stolen by a ref who gave the last kick of the game over to the Italians in the form of a spot kick that even Sophies dog realised was won off a dive. We all know about Graham Poll and his inability to count to two. Portugal vs Holland saw the largest amount of cards ever issued in a game and one has to wonder why. Is it because referees, realising they were under scrutiny are so obsessed about being fair that they are too over zealous? I doubt it. Most of these situation reek of either bias or sheer weak will in the face of some greasy south american players shouting abuse. Perhaps the "hard line" ref image has sunk in after Pierre Luigi Collina's rise to stardom in thanks, partly, to his no nonsense attitude. But, again, I think this is a comfortable excuse for something that is simply explained by one word:

Twats. This word can be extended to describe all the players who actively exploit this problem. Ronaldo, Totti, Tierry Henry (by far the worst offender, clutching his face after a slight knock to the chest).

A multitude of examples reinforce my claim. Anyone who disagrees with me should come talk to me, but be warned, come to close and I'll go down to the ground clutching my face like iv been shot. Then you'll be sorry.

I wont settle with the whole "it was the ref!" excuse for our early exit however. If anything, we played better without Rooney. Iv never liked the guy. Lets face it, England HAS to have a superstar to pin all our hopes on, otherwise the tabloids wont know what to do. Turns out, as I have always said, that pinning hopes on one man is wrong, especially when its Wayne Rooney and he isnt as good as he is made out to be, and doesnt like not being the centre of attention after our media have billed him as the second coming of Christ. His boot throwing, post subbed, strop? Thats the sort of behaviour befitting a twelve year old at his inter form sports day, not someone who is meant to be this nations last hope in the football world. Thus, when this media championed, overblown cry baby was (wrongly) sent off, is it any wonder that the hard work came out?

Style vs Substance. Enough said.

But, its not all Rooney, we suffered from lots of things this time round. Chiefly are the following:

1. Poor selection. Rooney is crocked, Owen has had an injury riddled season. So, Sven takes them both, then Crouch and Theo "who?" Walcott. Why take Theo is you are never going to use him? Any number of strikers could have taken his place and actually made an impact. INstead, Walcott became the perrenial bench warmer and the avatar for Svens poor decision making. Thanks to this absurd decision, we're left struggling with Rooney on his own upfront. Any monkey can tell that was a bad shout from the start.

2. Sven  is a coward who constantly fiddles with "the system" and is afraid to make big decisions. The fact he has left now is the only good thing to come from this debacle. But, that in mind, his poor choices all round, lack of innovative leadersip and general lack of charisma have contributed to robbing Beckham, amongst others, of their last world cup.

So, there we have it. Football is over, for us at least, and we can now wait two years until this whole circus starts up again. Im gutted.

Its funny how a casual comment in the pub can turn into...this. After several minutes of the good old, "Would you rather be... or this...." game, I raised the question of preferring to be a vampire or a werewolf. I wasnt prepared for either the responses that were given, or the outright derision of my choice.

It seems I am alone in thinking it would be better to be a vampire. A lot of time, too much, was spent then arguing over the relative merits of both choices. What was immediatley obvious was that its very difficult to argue a case for either unless you are approaching things from the same angle. Its very easy to reel off a list of the various strengths and weaknesses of Bram Stokers Dracula, but if the person you're arguing against actually prefers to use the vampires in Buffy the Vampire Slayer as their canon, the argument is going no where.

Thus, we hit several road blocks during the argument. I refused to believe that werewolves can live forever, whilst Glyn and Ando refused to believe the notion that a werewolf can be killed by full decapitation. Before long it was just an argument over who would win in a fight and it continued for several days, resurfacing in the square and on the top of a packed number 25 bus.

Ando argues like this, note Glyn in the background.

So, I present here a balanced analysis of both vampires and werewolves in a recognisable, modern form. The best source for both strands of myth is arguably, the film Underwold, as it suits our purposes by being a film concerned with pitting both creatures against each other.

The Werewolf

Contarary to what I first thought, in the Underworld canon a werewolf CAN live forever, and as they age gain a degree of control over the shape shifting. Thus, a particularly old lycanthrope can choose when to change form and retains all mental faculties when doing so.

Along with this, the Werewolf in their shifted form gains immense strength, speed and resilience and can climb sheer surfaces for a short amount of time.

They do retain their weakness for silver however. But, whether this is the only thing that can harm them is not clear. In my opinion, it is obviously more effective than a regular weapon, but not the only thing that can kill them.

A werewolf may be immortal, it is not indestructable and doesnt heal at a particularly faster rate than a human being. So, they do retain the weakness to normal weaponry such as bullets, although their enhanced physical ability would suggest they are slightly more resiliant.

The Vampire

Firstly, a crucifix, garlic, running water, silver, holy water etc are not factors here. Neither is the vampires ability to change into mist, wolf or bat form. All we have with these vampires is similar to the werewolves, ie:
Immortality
Enhanced Speed
Enhanced Strength
Enhanced resiliance to normal weaponry.

Most of these advantages seem to level each other out however. The vampire IS faster than the werewolf, no matter what Ando says, whilst the werewolf has the strength advantage by a country mile. What the vampire does lack however is a form of weapon that damages it more than another, but balancing that out is the damage inflicted by sunlight.

So, it comes down to this. In terms of who would win a fight, its pretty much down to age. The older one is, the better you would assume its skill at arms would be, not to mention the fact a werewolf hasnt necessarily got control over its shapeshifting, nor mental faculty whilst shifted, until its several centuries down the line.

But a vampire and werewolf of similarly old age in a toe to toe stand off is very hard to call. I humbly withdraw my earlier assertions and hand this one to Glyn and Ando, because it is quite obvious that engaging in melee combat, the werewolf would have the upper hand.

Anyway, thats killed an hour or so, which is nice/slightly silly because I have an exam tomorrow and I have been revising all morning. Sometime next week I will begin my online bird flu week. Considering several farms have fallen around Norfolk, I feel people need reminding of what to do should the worst happen, and I will be shamelessly ripping off most of the articles on the BBC's website that deal with the subject. Until then children,

Mr C.

On my mind today has been conspiracy theories. I love a good conspiracy theory and admit to getting drawn into most of them quite easily, at least in the early stages. Yet, despite the fact I can (and have this morning) spend nearly three hours reading about things on the internet, my enthusiams for all things ridiculous doesnt mean I cant smell the stink of BS quite easily. For example, I dont and never will buy into the whole "Marc Kemp is hetrosexual" story, despite its widespread belief around Norwich. Which brings me onto the first of the two conspiracy stories on my mind, that of the supposed assissination of Princess Diana.

This story annoys me so much, despite the fact my Mum is one of its keenest supporters. I think it gets my goat more because of all the rubbish that surrounds it. For a start, she wasnt killed by the government, fact. Anyone who suggests otherwise is simply buying into the hype machine surrounding someone who doesnt in any way deserve the praise she constantly receives by a loving media. There is no reason for her to be bumped off.

Why?

Because she was nothing to the state and would have remained that way no matter who she married, Arab or otherwise. I am yet to hear a convincing argument to suggest her death was engineered. It seems only herself and her band of die hard supporters warrant her position worthy of such status and influence that the British government arranged her "accident". Its ridiculous, and not in a good way.

Which brings me onto the whole subject of Diana in total and more specifically the furore surrounding Charles and Camilla getting married. Reading the Daily Mirror's reader's letters page the other day made me weep at the sheer stupidity of some of the people in this country. On the subject of Charles and Camilla getting married, one idiot wrote:

"I will never accept that woman as my Queen. Charles should refuse to take the throne and if he does not, we should become a republic". I wish I had made a note of this man's location, because I would happily have sent Glyn round wielding a baseball bat marked with the word "intelligence". Another opinion, this time from a woman said something along the lines of "Shame on them for the pain they caused Diana in her lifetime, their marriage should never have been allowed".

Cry me a river. What is wrong with people? We should become a republic because our future king married someone he actually loved? Yeah, *that* makes a whole lot of political sense, while we're at it lets replace the Prime Minister because his wife looks like a lizard. "Shame on them?" for what? Lets not forget that when Diana wasnt parading around in front of some conveniently placed television cameras in a mine-field (sigh) she was off banging all and sundry. On the night of her death she was off back to a hotel room with her lover... yet that's ok it seems. She committed adultery whilst married to the heir apparant of this country, in my mind, thats a pretty serious infraction. Im sure the bleeding heart brigade will no doubt counter this sort of thinking with things like, "But she was forced into marrying him when she was young, she didnt know what was going on."

Didnt know what was going on? Pull the other one, it plays the Bullseye theme tune. At 19 years old, she knew exactly the sort of sweet deal she was getting marrying into royalty. That it turned sour and they broke up is fair enough, but that some of our public actually believe Charles moving on and getting married again are grounds to over throw the monarchy actually worries me. Some people really dont deserve the right to form an opinion.

Anyway.... where was I?

Conspiracy theory number two concerns Project SERPO. Now this is the mother of all UFO cover up stories and I'v been giggling like a hyperactive school girl on smack all morning because of this. I dont care how much is true, its brilliant.

The general gist is as follows. The well known Roswell incident in New Mexico during the 1940's involved two crashed alien spaceships from which several dead and one live creature were recovered. From this lone creature the US government managed to obtain intelligence relating to the whereabouts and ability to communicate with the planet codenamed, Serpo, in the Zeta Recticular star system. After several attempts at communication the US government arranged an "exchange program" that saw 12 human beings taken on a nine month journey to Serpo where they stayed for a number of years before 8 returned to Earth during the 1970's. Two died on the planet, two wanted to stay and those who returned to earth died of radiation related complications, the last one having succumbed in 2002.

The information regarding this claim has an interesting background. Below is an excerpt from the site, www.serpo.org, the site that is acting as the clearing ground for this information. "

The information began to be released on 2 November 2005 by a retired senior official within the US Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) who calls himself “Anonymous”. Until he chooses to make his name known, this is the way he will be represented here. Anonymous reports that he is not acting individually and is part of a group of six DIA personnel working together as an alliance: three current and three former employees. He is their chief spokesman.

Up to and including 21 December, the information was released in installments on a private UFO e-mail list moderated by Victor Martinez. The list at that time contained about a hundred and fifty people, including many extremely well-known names in UFO research and related or leading edge scientific fields. Until permissions are granted, their names will be withheld out of courtesy and to respect confidentiality.

Those on the list have differing views regarding the veracity of Anonymous’ claims. However, the pedigree of the list as a whole is important to emphasize. There has been a substantial amount of intelligent discussion about the revelations, and it is important to state that there are many senior people in the US Intelligence and Military community who are taking this information very seriously. It may now be time to release this information to a wider audience, in close approximation to the format in which it was originally made available.

After 21 December, there was a long gap in the postings and many concluded that Anonymous had gone to ground or stopped his disclosures completely. There was no communication from him of any kind. Finally, on 24 January, information was received by Bill Ryan, the author of this website, which was not initially sent to Victor Martinez. Subsequent information was also received by Bill Ryan and posted to this website accordingly.

When sending information to Victor Martinez, Anonymous wrote 85% of the material; another 13% came from another source directly connected with the project; and the final 1-2% came from a "ghost," who canceled his e-mail account as soon as he sent his information. It is not yet known whether this pattern will continue."

Anyone who has a fleeting interest in either aliens, conspiracy theories, sci-fi or just looking to waste some time should have a look at the site. Im struggling to find it believable in places, no matter how much Id love for it to be true, but it does provide interesting reading. Some of the comments made by the other members of the exclusive mailing list are brain meltingly scientific, so only Ando will probably understand them, but they do represent good counter points to "Anonymous" information.

If anyone does read that stuff and has some comments, leave them here because Id be really interested in other peoples takes on the issue.

So, there we go, some (semi) serious stuff for a change.

In other news, I hear from Pilchard that Roy was caught dressed up in tights and a bunny outfit sometime recently. I can't say Im surprised by this news but would like to know the full story at some point in the future before it gets embellished by Jordan.

Im off to Tenerife for a week on thursday morning with my beautiful girlfriend which I am very much looking forward to. Luckily, we're leaving around the same time as bird flu has arrived in Scotland. Hopefully by the time I come back armageddon won't have descended upon the country. If in doubt, check the blog archive and consult my bird flu survival guide.

Actually, on the subject of bird flu... My mum is an NHS employee working in a doctors surgery and as such has been designated a primary care patient, or something like that. Essentially, that means that in the case of a bird flu mutation pandemic she will be one of the first people to be vaccinated when a vaccine becomes available. Now, providing i make her a nice cup of tea and maybe buy her a Barry Manilow CD she'll happily raid the vaccine stockpile, Im sure.

So, bird flu vaccination party round mine, everyones invited.

Unless I hate you.

Kisses and Cuddles, Lol.

House One - Somewhere off Dereham Road - 12.30pm (Similarity level: Ridiculous)

Having wandered round the neighbourhood several times as we awaited the first of four house viewings we had managed to identify a lack of shops; a reservoir behind a wall which Ando had gleefully climbed and a private school.... urgh... children. Finally let into the house we are stunned by the amount of games workshop parapehanlia and swords laying around the place whilst being mildyl amused by the fact there was a partially assembled toilet in the front room.
Our estate agent materialised iside a cupboard that he claimed was the entrance to the stair case, although by the look of his face I knew he was some kind of foul sorceror. The house was, in short, almost a carbon copy of the current residence I live in and being miles away wasnt suitable for our needs. We made our way to house number 2 not expecting alot better.

House Two - Somewhere off Dereham Road - 12.45pm (Similarity Level: Mild)

Same meat, different gravy albeit with a ridiculous "around the back entrance" that was covered with vines and "poor cladding, just look at it!" (Glyn). A set of blue samurai swords on the desk of one room takes care of the soon to be ridiculous levels of eerie resemblances to our current house.
Halfway through viewing we decide to leave and not see the other two houses as the current selection gives us little hope for what else is on offer. We decide to walk to the Unthank Kitchen. On route, Ando almost dies at the mention of the term "softcocking". The context of this word shall remain secret however, although it is safe to say it involved Kemp.

Attempting to wrestle my way through a chillburger, while simultaneously biding my fury at the increased price of the bumper breakfast (capitalist dogs!), I assisted in the construction of a list of requirements for the next batch of houses. By criteria number 2 we were specifying we didn’t want to live on an indian burial ground and thus, the list making exercise fell into farce. Kemp leaves for lectures and myself, Glyn and Ando begin the trek around the houses managed by Kent property.

House Three – Leopold Road – 2.10pm (Similarity Level: Mild)

A girl who was subsequently described as “big and green” (Ando) miserably answers the door and passes us off on to a Dallas Cowboy’s hoody wearing girl who is happy to show us around a house that is basically a carbon copy of all the other homes we had seen that day. Aside from a large sofa and a kitchen politely described by Ando as a “galley” kitchen, which was infact a small, cramped hole, there wasn’t much here to stoke our interest and we ambled off to see the next building.

House Four – Somewhere off Colman Road 2.25 pm (Similarity Level: Eerie)

Welcome to Hippy House. A long haired stereotype answers the door to a musky, dark house that quite clearly was the focal point of some extra-curricular activities involving rizzlas. My immediate assumption that these men were no good hippy’s is reinforced by this exchange:

“Do you have NTL or something?” “No man… we don’t need the internet…”

Don’t need the internet!? Why don’t you just live up a tree, swampy!?

A discarded car battery laying in the front garden, echoing Ginges recent addition to our garden ornaments, takes care of the resemblance to my current abode.

We leave feeling slighlty miffed that so far, every house has been pretty rubbish.

House Five – Somewhere off Unthank Road – 2.45 pm (Similarity Level: Ginger)

A ginger man answers the door. Glyn laughs til he cries. Unperturbed, our man leads us around the house and as he is leaving the kitchen to show us the garden, catches Ando mouthing the words “I think he’s gay!”. Visitation ends swiftly and we retire to the pub to wait til after 4.00pm to see the last house on the list. We descend to debating where to live, all the while I’m thinking that no matter what good I can say about any of the houses, you simply cant polish a turd.

House Six – Somewhere off Christchurch Road – 4.00pm (Similarity Level: None Existent!)

We arrive at the house and see a small gathering of students, soon to be our enemies, on the pavement outside. It takes us a while to notice, while we throw around some footballs, that the house is MASSIVE! Sneaking up the window we deduce the lounge is fully stocked with leather sofas, the floors are wooden, and the inside is huge. Sky and NTL equipment are clearly visible, making the transition from old to new house potentially effortless. We then notice our enemies, group one (a group of first year girls) and rubgy boy ( a man in a rugby top with his girlfriend) are starting to look around too. Already it becomes clear this house is the best house we are likely to see, not built on the terrace model similar to many Unthank residences and only 215 a month. We concoct a plan.

The girls order a taxi as our guides are yet to arrive. We panic, thinking they are heading back to the Estate agents to sign a deal, but foolishly they are heading back to UEA! Success. Now for Rugby Boy. To our horror, he is reaching for his phone and looking very serious. Could he be ringing Kent to secure a deal? We don’t risk it, and combining Ando’s speed and Kemp’s bank balance, we send our men back to the estate agents to wait on a phone call from either me or Glyn to sign the contract as soon as we have undertaken some recon inside the building.

They leave and it is a tense ten minutes before the houses occupants arrive to show me and Glyn around. My thought process, over the course of 65 seconds is thus:

BIG ROOM DOWNSTAIRS, BIG LOUNGE, STAIRS, BIG ROOM UPSTA…. “Glyn, we’re leaving!”

And so began the mad dash back to Kent to sign up and pay for the best house (student) I have ever seen. Interestingly, Rugby boy rang Kent a few seconds before we signed our contract and was turned away because they had people interested. All I can say is:

UNLUCKY SON!